Friday, September 5, 2014
Missing you like crazy. My emotions are all over the place. I put my strong face on, in the presence of others but cry like a baby when I'm alone. I know that God had the final say over your life but it still bothers me how all of this happened. I was just at your house the day before this.... I bought you groceries.... I talked to you, I filled your prescription, I told you that I love you, and I told you to call and let me know if your stomach was still hurting after you let your medicine take effect. I didn't get that call so I called you and they told me you were sleeping. I thought good because I know you needed your rest. I called Tuesday morning to say Happy Anniversary and Dad said he'd tell you when you got it, I didn't think anything of it because it was 6 something in the morning. Now I have a lot of what ifs. What if I would have just brought you home with me? What if I would have taken you to a different hospital when you complained about your stomach hurting instead of giving you food and medicine? What if I would have let you spend the night with me since you had a doctor's appt that day? What if I would've worked harder to get you a doctor since no one was accepting new Medicaid patients? What if I could have afforded to pay for a doctor out of pocket? Sometimes I can feel your presence and the other times I think I'm going crazy. I don't know what to make of any of this. I'm still hoping that it's a dream. To say that I'm depressed is an understatement. It's difficult to eat. Difficult to sleep. Difficult to think. Difficult to get out of bed. Difficult to leave the house. I listen to your voicemails over and over and over again. I don't know what to do with myself. And everyone always ask me "How are you doing?" I say I'm okay because everyone seem like strangers since they're not you. I can't find myself confiding in them and Jeremy is not equipped to deal with anything of this caliber. I'm going through this alone with no one to talk to. No one to cry with. No one to help me get over this. I've been praying and getting prayed for. What's next?? Is this normal?? Why so soon?? You were just talking to me the day before?? I would have rather you be in a Coma at least that way I could pray you out of that or had time to prepare for the worse or something. I Miss You Mommy. And I've been putting a lot of things together on paper and hopefully when I'm ready to be apart of the outside world again I'll start this business and it will be a huge success in honor of you. I love you Mom and I will make you prouder.
